Reeves, Rayner, Khan and Ali - Keir Starmer's cast are not fit to run Britain

What a carry on! Before entering No.10, Keir Starmer vowed to "clean up politics". Clearly, what he meant was that he and his ministers would be cleaning up in politics with their free holidays, football tickets, designer suits, dresses and glasses.

We don't have a "serious government" (to quote Starmer) running the country, we have a comedy cast which could have come straight from the Carry On films - only this lot aren't funny. There's "everybody out" Angela Rayner mimicking Bernard Bresslaw's union rep in Carry On At Your Convenience - although others might say she's more like Carry On Up The Khyber's Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond.

Rachel Reeves is like Josh Fiddler in Carry On Camping, inventing ever more devious ways to extract money from people. And Starmer reminds me of Carry On Dick. Make of that what you will (in true Carry On style), but I'm referring to Sid James as Dick Turpin, robbing people blind while pretending to be holier than thou.

Last week, it seemed we had progressed to Arthur Daley from Minder, when Homelessness Minister Rushanara Ali resigned after evicting her tenants before renting out the property again at a far higher price.

Ali says she got rid of her tenants with the intention of selling her house. She couldn't sell it, so rented it back out to new tenants at £700 more per month. As it happens, I have sympathy for her predicament.

With Reeves crashing the economy and Labour London Mayor, Sadiq Khan, on a oneman mission to destroy our capital with high crime rates, dirty streets, four-star hotels housing illegal migrants and formerly prestigious Park Lane home to a tented village camp, flats aren't selling in London and property prices are collapsing.

If true, Ali behaved like any rational person would have done: first trying to sell the property, but then forced to rent it again. Unfortunately, what she did is precisely what Labour have been campaigning against and what Starmer promised to stamp out in his determination to paint landlords as the unscrupulous enemy, and Ali was publicly supporting that line while personally behaving differently. Hypocrisy is always the biggest downfall of socialists.

Rushanara Ali should have explained to her cabinet colleagues, in particular Angela "RuffDiamond" Rayner, why their Renters' Rights Bill is a dud and should be binned. There will be many landlords in exactly the same boat as her - only they will be stopped from doing what she did.

This government really is a motley crew of chancers and inadequates, not least Business Secretary and (not a real) solicitor Jonathan Reynolds - like Marshall P. Knutt, the fake US marshall in Carry On Cowboy.

Let's not forget AntiCorruption Minister Tulip Siddiq, forced to resign after being named in a corruption investigation into her family and her aunt, the deposed dictator, over the alleged embezzlement of £3.9 billion in Bangladesh, which has apparently made her family richer than Randy Lal - the Khasi of Kalabar - in Carry on Up The Khyber. What a shoddy lot. In the words of Kenneth Williams in Carry On Camping, "Matron, take them away!"

No time for migrant crime

The weekend papers were full of Labour's latest gimmick - apparently, foreign-national criminals will be deported the moment they are convicted. It may sound good for a headline in the papers - but that's all it is.

First, with Labour wedded to the Human Rights Act, these people won't be deported any time soon. Second, if you read the small print, these foreign criminals won't necessarily serve a prison sentence back in their home country.

That means people can come to the UK, commit a serious offence, get convicted and never be sent to prison for it. What the UK needs is more prisoner transfer agreements so that foreign nationals serve their sentences in their own country, not empty headlines.

DNA test must be mandatory

With the alarming rise in serious sexual assaults, I asked the Home Office what personal checks and data were being collected from illegal migrants. After months of ducking my question, I finally got a reply from them.

It transpired that the only biometric data from small boat arrivals were facial images and fingerprints. What a joke. If they can put these migrants in hotels and provide them with food and money, then they can do a DNA swab because, let's be honest, when a man seriously sexually assaults a young woman, they don't leave a photo and their fingerprints, they will be leaving their DNA.

Not systematically collecting DNA, despite the rise in attacks, is a serious failure of the state. It is the least that should be done.

Dutiful Anne's not shy or retiring

Princess Anne, above with husband Sir Tim Laurence, turns 75 on Friday and despite being almost a decade past the official retirement age, she still tops the list of hardest-working royals - clocking up 475 engagements last year and showing no sign of slowing. She's my favourite. Younger royals could learn a lot from her about duty and dedication.

Offering equal opportunities on internships would be just the job

New data from the Adam Smith Institute shows that 60% of 18-30-year-olds believe finding a well-paid, satisfying job will become harder over the next five years. This rings true, and it's what I'm hearing from young people in Cheshire.

Look beyond that headline figure; there is a massive ethnic divide. Young black Britons are more than twice as likely as their white counterparts to think the job market will improve (47% vs 22%) - much of it due to explicit prioritising of candidates from minority backgrounds.

A clever, hardworking white working-class boy told me at the weekend he tried to get an internship at M16 only to find it was only open to ethnic minorities. That's true of M15 too. He now plans to emigrate. My advice: offer internships to all young people of talent whatever their ethnicity. Give them all optimism about their futures.